Embracing Emotions: Finding Peace in Grief and Happiness

25th July 2024

I have a tendency to disappear into my head. Sometimes, I can get so lost in my thoughts that a conversation will be happening around me, and I have no idea what was said. It happens so quickly and in a nanosecond I have left my body and I am lost deep in an inner world in my mind that will leave me with a vacant look on my face. I get lost wandering down old but very familiar neural pathways of sabotaging thought patterns. These old and well rehearsed feelings resurface, finding me when I least expect them and yet I now see that this happens to me a lot. By slowing down recently, I have been able to see how often I am being hijacked by my own feelings.

Just this week, this has happened many times. With the summer holidays for my kids now in full swing, I’m working less and not numbing myself with the busy-ness of emails, calls, and the cortisol rush that accompanies them. This absence of distraction has made me realise how much I rely on being busy to avoid my thoughts. Most of us do this – if we are not busy-ing ourselves with overworking, we might numb out on social media, Netflix, drinking, eating, shopping, gossiping… It’s all avoidance to not process our feelings. Now, let me be clear, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with each of these things per se but if we are using them to numb out on and not be present, then that can be problematic. Have a check in with yourself and see what you notice about your own habits to get a sense of whether you are avoiding your feelings? Many of us do, so try not to be judgmental towards yourself. With awareness, we can make changes. 

The Cycle of Rumination

While washing the dishes yesterday, I found myself slipping into rumination. I began creating fictional conversations in my head, wishing I had said things differently in previous arguments, beating myself up for not letting go. But then something happened. I noticed what was happening to me, I caught myself in the act of rumination and could see the rabbit hole I was slipping down. This is the first step to breaking any cycles – awareness. Next, I was able to label the feeling. It was grief… again. This time, I could cut through the noise and recognize it.

My first reaction was, “not again. Please leave me alone. I want to feel lighter and happier now.” Grief often appears unexpectedly, gripping my heart, my throat, my gut and taking me off into my head, replaying thoughts, feelings, and pain over and over again. Beating myself up for not being over something that I feel I should be. Grief isn’t always present because of the death of someone, it can be present with any change or loss of any kind. I have been deliberately creating a great deal of change in my life over the last year in terms of boundaries and relationships and this has led to me really feeling into grief and processing the multitude of emotions that it brings. 

How do you know you are experiencing grief? Reflect on what has been happening in your life lately – has there been change? A loss of any kind? If so, you might feel shock, denial, frustration and sadness amongst other feelings that appear out of nowhere and hijack you in a heartbeat. Noticing this gives you a place to start and I will share some resources below if you would like to explore grief a little further. 

Recognizing and Processing Grief

Back to the washing up…this time, I caught myself. I saw the movie begin to play in my mind and felt the familiar sensations in my body, the gut wrenching, throat gripping, jaw clenching that I know are my go to responses. I was able to press pause rather than distract myself. I took a breath and said to myself, “This is grief.” I put my hand on my heart and repeated these words, tending to the sadness that arose and caring for myself in that difficult moment.

I noticed that by acknowledging my feelings and giving them space, I was able to process them without interrupting my day. Moments later, I was able to smile, play with my kids, and feel good again. 

The Power of Acknowledgment

All I did was notice and label my feelings as something I was experiencing. This gave me the space to step back and observe and the power to move through them. And here’s the really interesting part: shortly after, I noticed how happiness was there too.

It wasn’t during a significant, joyful moment. It was actually quite benign – I was unpacking after a couple of days away with my family. We were all tired and still smelled like fire from roasting marshmallows. I wanted to crash on the sofa, but I decided to unpack first.

Finding Happiness in Small Moments

As I stood in my kitchen (hmm there is a theme here!) I felt a wave of something unfamiliar for me: random happiness. I stopped and said, “This is happiness.” It stopped me in my tracks. It felt liberating. It’s not always the big moments that bring the most happiness. Sometimes, it’s a random Wednesday when you are tired but giving yourself space and you recognize a sense of peace in your heart and soul. It is in those moments, when you’re not searching for anything else that you can feel what is there. To me, it felt like presence. It wasn’t a perfect moment, it was actually quite a messy and imperfect time and I am learning that this really is how life is.  

I was able to be in that happiness, and it was glorious. 

My immediate go to when I feel happiness is to contemplate how long it will last? When will it be over? I can then begin preparing for the inevitable fall. But this time I didn’t. I was able to enjoy the moment and accept its fleeting nature, because this is true of all our feelings. They will all pass. 

So now, I am looking for glimmers—small, seemingly insignificant seconds in my day that add up. All my feelings are welcome because I was meant to feel them all.

Embracing All Emotions

By noticing and acknowledging my emotions, whether grief or happiness, I’m finding a way to move through them more skilfully. It’s a practice of self-care that allows me to process my feelings and find peace in the present moment. And in doing so, I’ve learned that all emotions have their place and value in my life. So how about for you? What can you take from this? 

Maybe it’s an invitation to stop and take stock more often, to invite presence into your day and be with your feelings. Maybe it’s the recognition of how much you have been numbing out and you can begin to take steps to notice this.

If you would like to talk more about these processes, this can form part of 1:1 coaching work with me. 

Email me: hey@sarahdodsley.com and we can arrange a free 20 min consultation call to talk through how I can support you.

Additional resources: