A letter to myself…

17th August 2021

We all have our core beliefs. The negative ones hold us back in life. They control the negative voice in our heads. The voice that keeps us small and stuck. The voice that tells us not to try new things, leave that job or begin the new relationship, don’t step out of our comfort zone.

Feeling into these beliefs is uncomfortable and difficult, so we don’t. We bury them deep, thinking that if we don’t look at them, then they will go away, or won’t exist. 

We try and block out the parts of us that we think are dark, unacceptable, difficult… We are taught as children that we mustn’t be angry, or frustrated, disappointed, all the things. But, it comes back and bites us on the arse as we grow up because we have no idea how to cope with these more difficult emotions and it shows up in conflict and how we go about our lives. As whole human beings, we are meant to experience the full range of emotions. Even the shitty ones, the ones that make us feel sad or angry. Every. Single. One. I know that isn’t comfortable to think about because let’s face it, we don’t want to feel sad. It’s not nice. But by burying and denying these feelings, they don’t actually go away. You carry them all the damn time and then they come back as rage, emotional outbursts, depression, anxiety, plus a whole host of physical symptoms. 

I think it’s time for a reconciliation.  How about we learn to embrace and accept, whole heartedly the darker sides of who we are? The parts of us that keep us awake at night? Imagine, fully accepting who you are, all shades, all colours, all emotions…? Imagine not needing to fix yourself any longer. Not needing to reject or shut out parts of us that don’t like. When we try and compartmentalise who we are into good and bad, we are not living wholeheartedly. It’s exhausting. I know, I lived like this for so long.

One of my core beliefs is based around the theme of rejection, it’s a big part of my subconscious programming. I will be rejected. If I am my true self then I will not be liked. I won’t fit in, what I have to offer isn’t valued. I am not confident enough for what is wanted in this world. This belief has been with me since I was a small child and still rears its ugly head from time to time. 

I have often thought that I must have been inadequate in some way, if I could just learn to be more confident then I would be ok. If I just had more experience, knew more, looked better…

You see where this is going. All of this is underpinned by a belief of not being good enough. 

In my experience as a coach, most of the issues that hold us back and cause us so much grief will always come down to this bottom line – not good enough. 

I am here to tell you that it’s just not true. It never was true and there is a way to overcome this limiting and debilitating belief. (Hint – this is what I do with my clients!) ? 

Whilst on an intensive coaching weekend recently, we were asked to identify one of our core beliefs and rather than release it or try and turn it around, actually look at that part of us and how it helped us in our lives. I have never done this before. What resulted was a letter to that part of me who feared rejection. I am going all out on the vulnerability spectrum here and I am going to share it with you. 

Letter to my younger self.

“To Sarah – who was so very frightened of being rejected:

Thank you for all the things you did to keep me safe. Thank you for trusting your gut and knowing when an environment wasn’t right for you and you felt so out of place. I am sorry that at times you were made to feel so uncomfortable and that you could not trust your own instincts. I am sorry that you were told you just needed to be brave and get on with it when deep down you knew things weren’t right for you. 

I have spent so many years thinking that you were the problem. Your emotional responses were too big, your intuition, wrong in some way. That you didn’t know enough, you were scared because you were not good enough. Not smart enough, not confident enough, not…enough.

You were told too often that you were just too sensitive, you were over reacting. You were being silly. Over sensitive. The girl who felt all her emotions in such a big way.  I want you to know  that you were not wrong.

I now know that you were never the problem. In fact, you knew all along. You knew what you needed, you knew when situations didn’t feel right to you. You knew how to trust your gut back then. 

I am sorry that people tried to put you into boxes and tell you that you were too sensitive. This was just not true. 

Your intuition and ability to feel is a gift. You have gone through so much to learn that but I promise it has been worth it. Trust is the key, I know you knew that at a young age. It was not your fault. 

You were always enough. You are enough today and you always will be enough. I am going to let you take the lead because I know your instincts are good and that you can trust your gut. I know that you instinctively know what is right for you. You are enough. I trust you and I see you. You are safe.”

I have reflected so much on this part of me and I now see that how I responded on so many occasions was a mechanism to keep me safe and now I have a deep appreciation and sense of gratitude for how that played out. It isn’t a part of me to be rejected because it was wrong or bad. It was a survival mechanism for when I felt threatened. 

I can now embrace that part of me and I no longer reject myself for feeling the way I did. This is a step to wholeheartedness. Embracing who we are as complex and complicated people, each of us with our own unique make up that can be celebrated. 

When you look back over the chapters of your life, do you wish that there were parts that had never happened? Have you ever blocked out parts of your history or refuse to even think about how it made you feel? Do you see patterns that reoccur in relationships? This could be a core belief that is holding you back. By bringing it into the light, it does not have to control you anymore. 

If you would like to work with someone on embracing the WHOLE of who you are, then this is what I do best. I would love to talk to you about what that could look like. Email me: hey@sarahdodsley.com to arrange a free chat. 

I’ll be sharing more of my story in up and coming blogs. Coming next time – a defining moment when I recognised that I needed support to move through a deeply traumatic time in my life.