Why caring about what people think can be a good thing…

27th January 2021

*But how to not let it control your life!*

How many times have you heard someone proudly declare “I don’t care what anyone thinks of me!”? How did it make you feel? Did you want to roll your eyes? Did you feel a pang of something deep inside? Triggered into shame that you don’t feel the same way? 

Let’s be honest, how true do you really think it is? Is it ever really a good thing to not care at all what other people think of you? Let’s dig in and see…

So why might caring about what people think of you actually be of benefit in your life?

Firstly, considering other people’s opinions can be healthy –  it can mean you are considerate: caring for how others might feel can mean we temper our actions and appreciate the impact of what we do and say on other people. It can help us maintain and improve our relationships and is good for society in general. 

It also means you are not a psychopath! Which can only be a good thing, right?

But, what happens when the fear of what others think of you is controlling your life? Now, at the other end of the spectrum this can really hold us back from taking action, speaking out and generally living our lives in the way we want to. It can be toxic.

I want to show you a way to find a happy medium so you can live the carefree life with the heart of a small child who doesn’t worry about what people think of them, balanced with a mind of a human being with a conscience who wants to cultivate and maintain healthy relationships. Sound good? Let’s go…

First things first, let’s get really clear on how you feel about the opinions of others. Take some time to reflect on whether you censor yourself because of a fear of what someone might think of you? Do you take a gazillion photos before you’ll post one on your Facebook or Instagram feed and even after posting do you worry how you look? Do you find that you change what you might say or actually say nothing at all because you are frightened that you will be disliked, does this keep you silent and afraid? If you do speak out do you then analyse over and over how you said something? How did it come across? You get my drift?

Getting really clear on where this is showing up in your life can be really helpful. We often don’t want to look at the truth of our limiting beliefs because it’s too painful but stick with it, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Write it down if it helps you.

Now the next step is to think about where the fear comes from? This can go deep, most likely childhood. The wounds from childhood can come from big traumatic events, parents separation, emotional neglect amongst others but it is also important to mention that your childhood could be fairly trauma free but you can still feel this way. I will go a little deeper into the impact of our childhood events in another post but safe to say it could all stem from something that you may now feel is quite trivial. Wherever it comes from, honour it and acknowledge it. This is part of the process. 

I want to introduce you to a couple of filters that you can use to help you catch your internal voice and also begin to step away from caring what other people think in a safe (and non psychopathic) way so you can walk through life as your authentic self and begin to realise your own values and truths.

When you are considering the opinions or thoughts of others, I want you to tune into whose perspectives are you particularly worried about? Identify the person/people in question. 

As you identify them apply the following queries to your internal dialogue?

• Is this person (or people) really going to be concerned with or have an opinion on what I am doing/saying? Or is this my own fear or worry coming through. Can I take a breath and let this worry go? 
• Presuming you have answered yes to the above, now think about the individual/s and ask yourself – if they were to offer their opinion on your actions – do they have your best interests at heart? Do they genuinely care for you? Are they on your team, metaphorically or real life? 

This is important because if we worry about what everyone thinks of us we are giving away a huge amount of our energy to people whose opinions do not really need to impact on us at all. Everyone has their own lense or perspective that they bring to the table and that does not always mean that they have our best interests at heart. Not because they are bad people but because they have their own fears and experiences that may cloud their judgment. Ask yourself, does their opinion really matter to ME? 

• Lastly, is the person/s in the arena with me?

What do I mean by this? Well let me introduce you to a beautiful quote by Theodore Roosevelt.

Is the person whose opinion matters to you or who is giving you their thoughts actually in the arena with you? Are they challenging themselves in the same way you are? Being vulnerable? Putting themselves out there? If not, then do you really need to take on board their thoughts? Listening to the thoughts and opinions of people who have not not walked in your shoes (or even their own) will not help you move forward. 

It’s ok to care what others think but you do not need to let it control you. Even if you have identified people in your life whose opinion really matters and you deeply care how they feel about what you do, does not mean that they should have any control over you. You can still apply your own internal filter system to what you do and you can be considerate of the feelings of others but not in a way that stifles your own existence.

Walking in your own truth is paramount. 

If this piece has helped you identify some thoughts that you are holding back in life because you care too much about what others think of you then let’s talk. This is the work that I do with my clients. I can help you identify where that wound comes from that is stopping you from speaking out and living your life in the truest most beautiful way. We identify the core of the issue, heal it, release it and switch the script into a far more productive and compassionate one.

Check out my 1:1 package here. In as little as 90 days you could feel the weight lifting from your mind. 

Schedule your free call to discuss how we can work together here.