Why I quit drinking…

26th October 2020

Today I celebrated 1 year since I last touched a drop of alcohol, today is my soberversary! I have not been near wine since 26th October 2019 and I can put my hand on my heart and say with absolute confidence that I will never EVER drink again. I wanted to share my journey with you, what led me to that point and how the last year has been.

Of course, I leap out of bed every day now at the crack of dawn, hop straight on to my yoga mat and begin my affirmations…… I am always grateful and live my life in complete presence… aaaaaannnnnnnd that is complete and utter bull****! But there are some pretty amazing results that I have experienced have along the way and I wanted to document them here, for me as much as for you!

Let me give you a bit of context as to my desire to quit the booze. I spent about 20 years in complete denial about why drinking was really not for a gal like me and thank god I finally came to my senses as I honestly dread to think what state my mental health would be in right now if I had not embraced my sobriety. By most people’s standards I was a social drinker. I would only have drunk in the morning if it was a special occasion like Christmas day or a day out somewhere. I was able to make a decision not to drink at all if I so wanted and I wouldn’t really feel that I missed out. So, for me, I never felt that I had an issue. Except that if I was drinking, I would find I had no off switch. I would get to into it and have so much fun that I did not know when to stop. And therein lay my problem. Sadly, when I got carried away, I would often turn nasty to whoever I was with and I would have absolutely no memory of this whatsoever. There are journey’s home that I have no recollection of, terrible moments waking up, fully clothed and painfully considering whether I still had my phone and my purse. Waking up with countless bruises with absolutely no explanation as to how I got them, not knowing how many times I had probably fallen and staggered about.

My relationships had suffered in the past and I would apologise, ask for forgiveness, use my empty memory as an excuse to not take responsibility for my actions, after all, I was so drunk, I didn’t mean the terrible things I said! I would then commit to reforming and learning to find my off switch next time. The trouble is – none of that ever worked for me. I can’t moderate my drinking if I am on a night out and if I try to it makes me feel really anxious and stressed and it just wasn’t worth it.

My children are still quite young so there have been some recent perfectly timed natural breaks for me to re-evaluate my relationship with wine and that gave me a false sense of security once I began to re-emerge into the new phase of my social life. The sleepless nights of the new born phase did not drive me to drink and I couldn’t face waking up with a headache and to be honest, I had completely lost my tolerance too, one glass and I felt it, then and the next day! So, for a good 3 years I barely had a drink.

My children are now of an age where they are sleeping through the night and there were (pre-Covid) opportunities to start going out again! My wine amnesia really kicked in, surely the days of my immature drinking were over? I was a proper grown up now with kids and all the trimmings of a grown up life that would some how allow me to consume beautiful goblets of vin rouge to my heart’s content and reassure me of my sophistication and ability to be witty and funny, just like we are shown in the media right?

You see that is the thing I have learned in the last year, it’s not our fault, we are conditioned and cultured to believe that drinking is a part of being grown up, it is marketed to us that way and for some very bizarre reason we are suspicious of people who don’t drink. Do we question someone who doesn’t take illegal drugs? Nope! It is really fascinating how we push alcohol onto others as if there is something wrong with them for not partaking. I have done it myself, “oh go on, have another, don’t worry about the hangover” blah blah blah. I now understand that is because so often we feel uncomfortable about our own levels of drinking that we want others to be in cahoots with us to make us feel better.

So back to me, last year I had few nights out scheduled in and with the very best of intentions I went out bargaining with myself that I would not lose control, I would monitor my intake and stop as I felt tipsy. You obviously know how the story ends… well I wish I did as the last two occasions I went out before I quit I have zero memory of anything after about 9pm! What I do know is that on one of those nights my version of Mr Hyde came out to play, the shame of having to listen to the terrible things I said, how I embarrassed myself. Cringing at how I must have looked. Praying that everyone else was too drunk to notice. Then on the last occasion, the final straw, I behaved myself……! A miracle! You would think that would convince me that I could do it! I was able to behave! But no because I have no memory of getting home and whilst did not embarrass myself at all, I couldn’t get out of bed for 24 hours! All in all it took me about 3 days to recover from how bloody awful I felt. Enough was enough. I did not want my children to ever see me in such a terrible state and I decided, that was my day 1. The compound effect of the last few nights out had finally sunk in.

I consumed ‘Quit Lit’ like it was going out of fashion. That really helped, to learn about the impact that drinking has on your mind, body and soul was powerful for me. It spurred me on. At the start, the hardest part was worrying what everyone would think. Would they think I was an alcoholic? Would they judge me? It was tough. But not as tough as the shame I felt from how I had behaved any time I had been drunk in the last 20 years, so I kept going.

The physical benefits were quite quick, firstly not having a hangover ever was incredible. My skin started to look better, I was sharper, my sleep improved and I definitely didn’t get as many coughs and colds as before. The emotional and mental health benefits were amazing too but took a little longer to come to fruition. Alcohol numbs, so once you stop numbing you start to feel. That can be a challenge. I began to feel so much (and I am an empath so I feel a hell of a lot already!) and at times it was overwhelming but I stuck with it. I knew it was healing me to feel and give space to all the emotions that were coming up and numbing out on alcohol is not good for stress and anxiety.

The milestones began to pass, 1 month, 6 months, 10 months and then today, very uneventfully I remembered it was a year. To acknowledge this occasion I posted my before and now picture in a Facebook group (for other sober peeps), one taken of me the last night I ever drank, (I have no memory of the photo being taken) and next to that is a picture of me today, unfiltered, unabashed, just me as I am right now. I had lots of lovely comments, congratulating me on my achievement, really great, genuine well wishes and gratitude for being an inspiration. One comment really struck me: “you seem like you fit in your skin better, you look lovely, congratulations.” It sent goosebumps down my spine, because this wonderful human being had hit the nail on the head. That is exactly how I feel now. I feel like I fit into my skin now, not always comfortably but I am working on that A LOT! There is a calmness that has replaced the anxiety that came with drinking and it is worth so much to me that I will never ever look back. The truth is, that no one ever really cares if you are drinking or not and if they do, it is about them, not me. I feel safe in that belief now.

Here’s to many more sober years ahead of me.

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Photo on the left: Taken on a night out, I have no memory of at all.

Photo on the right: today, bright eyed and clear headed.

Just to be clear, I am not condemning alcohol or making a judgment against anyone who drinks, but if you are interested in exploring the effects then there is a huge amount of very good literature out there that I found to be motivating and supportive.

The Sober Diaries – Claire Pooley

This Naked Mind – Annie Grace

The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober – Catherine Gray

Facebook Community of Club Sober is also worth joining for inspo and support.

Check out my Facebook page:

www.facebook.com/IamSarahDodsley

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