Every time I reach another milestone in relation to my sobriety, I love to reflect on the journey I have been on and how I feel about the way I have chosen to live my life. Whenever I share it, I often get messages from people asking to talk to me about how I did it and to share their own experiences of their drinking, so here we are… 4 years.
In truth it feels like it has flown by and I don’t really pay much attention to how many months or days but just to show you the stats – it amounts to 35, 049 hours or 2, 102, 987 minutes. A long time!!
I can still remember the moment I decided that I was going to stop drinking like it was yesterday. I had been out for dinner with my husband and some friends. We were having a lovely time, eating tapas, drinking wine. But the next thing I remember is waking up in bed, still wearing my coat and shoes feeling like the whole world was caving in on me. I have no memory of most of the evening or how we got home and this time it really frightened me.
It’s not the first time I had blacked out from drinking, in fact any big night out where I had drunk wine generally resulted in me blacking out but this time the fear really set in. I made the decision and said to my husband, “that’s it, I’m done. I’m giving up drinking.” You can imagine his reaction – yeah sure, heard it before. Most of us have said it after a heavy night haven’t we?
I think it is a real act of rebellion to give up drinking. Society legitimises it as a way of winding down – ‘wine o’clock’, we see adverts showing glossy looking men and women drinking trendy and beautiful drinks and we want to look and feel the same. But, it never works that way – more often than not we just feel awful, drink too much and vow to not do it again until next time.
We worry – what will people say if I tell them I don’t drink anymore? I get that. I felt the same in the early days. In 4 years, I have only ever had one person act like an arse when I explained I don’t drink, and I suspect that’s because it threatened and challenged their own fears about how much alcohol they consumed. Most people are quite interested and supportive but 4 years down the line, I can honestly say I don’t care what anyone thinks of my sobriety – it’s mine and it works for me. I’m not going to preach to anyone about it but if you want support in your journey then you can talk to me about it too. I’m all ears.
I want to share what giving up alcohol has done for me in 4 years. Firstly, to give you some context, let me talk about how much I drank. My early twenties and into my thirties I would say I was a binge drinker, I wouldn’t consume much during the week, maybe the odd glass of wine here and there but if I went out, I had no off switch. I would drink to blackout – particularly if I drank wine – in fact every time I drank wine on a night out, I would blackout. I would often become quite unpleasant too. I would pick an argument and have known to be quite nasty. I’m not proud of those times, I hurt people I love and most of the time I would have no recollection of the conversations.
When I had my kids in my late thirties, I didn’t drink and then as they became a bit older, I would have the odd glass of wine here and there. Then an occasional night out became an option again and I would go and guess what, the same would happen again! Blackout!
One morning, after a night out in early October 2019, I woke up to my husband telling me that I had picked a fight with him and he was really upset. This was about 3 weeks before the final night. The shame I carried was great, the guilt was there motivating me to stop but for some reason, I still wasn’t ready, a part of me was still trying to convince myself that I could hit the pause button and regulate myself and not go over the top. I had bargained with myself in this way so many times – I can stop when I start to feel tipsy, I won’t drink wine, I’ll just have 1. It never worked.
So fast forward to the morning of 26th October 2019 and I decided. If you have known me a while then you will probably know that when I make up my mind about something, that is it. I am resolute. I am committed and here we are, 4 years later.
How easy did I find it? Actually, quite easy, because I fully committed. Once I had decided I knew there was no going back.
Did I or do I ever fancy a glass of something? I did more at the start of the journey but I kept reminding myself that I did not ever want to feel the way I had felt ever again and with the best will in the world, I could not moderate. Now, I very rarely think about it.
What helped me? I read lots of ‘quit lit’ which really made a difference. I devoured booked like – This Sober Diaries by Clare Pooley. Knowing some science behind not being able to moderate was so helpful. See more on this below.
What have been the biggest benefits?
There have been so many and it’s the gift that keeps on giving: I sleep so much better now, quality sleep and I wake up feeling rested. I make good food choices most days, no more crap after a night on the wine. I never have to worry about what I did or said, because I always remember – every single time. My anxiety is so much lower than it was, no more paranoia or shame, I have a much healthier emotional state.
What have been the challenges?
I think the biggest challenge was feeling all the emotions, the first 6 months to a year was the toughest on that front. I no longer numb out on alcohol which I used as a crutch – even the little I drank on a weekly basis was used as a stress management tool and it’s a fallacy to think that drinking helps after a stressful day. All it does is create a buzz that helps you forget and stuff down what you are feeling. Initially, I noticed just how much I felt and it all felt so loud! Over time, I have learned to manage my feelings, allow them to be there and I do not get overwhelmed by them anymore. I don’t hide from difficult emotions anymore. It doesn’t mean I like them, far from it, but I know how to work through them in a way that supports my wellbeing. It has led to me setting better boundaries for myself and every area of my life has improved!
So here’s to the rest of my life because I won’t ever drink again. The way I feel now is too precious to me to ever change that!
If you are interested in your own sober journey, you can talk to me about it – email me on hey@sarahdodsley.com
There are some really useful resources out there to check out too: