Life lessons from a Tik Tok Troll

25th February 2023

I have recently been exploring my perfectionism (AGAIN – this is not a new thing for me! ?). It has, at times, debilitated me and stopped me from making the bold moves I know I am capable of and it’s painful. Sometimes I feel I am on top of it and it’s no longer controlling me and I make decisions and of course as life rolls on, that changes and at times the perfectionist driver in me takes over and I am stuck again.

It shows up in different ways but I feel like when that version of me is in charge, I am not as bold and brave as I can be.

I worry about what people think, I feel timid, shy, incapable, stuck, inadequate, not enough, all the things.

In my work, this means I go quiet, I don’t post about what I am offering in my services as much as the voice in my head says “who do you think you are?” That voice is bloody loud when in full force. 

It takes me a while to move through it and there is the inevitable shame and berating that takes place afterwards, it’s a cycle – is that familiar to you?

I have been stuck in a perfectionistic cycle lately whilst learning something new that I plan to introduce to my work later this year. It’s very different to what I already offer so ALL the stories have been going round in my head:

“You aren’t good enough.”

“You aren’t getting it right.”

“Who do you think you are?”

“What will people say about you?”

“No one will want this…”

And so it goes on and on… 

I recognised that I was stuck in the cycle and that I wanted to move through it and decided that I would start posting some reels and videos and really try to not worry about them being polished, perfect or anything that was driven by my ‘not good enough’ voice. I reminded myself that there is no such thing as perfect and went for it! 

Now, I am no technical wizard, my skills on Instagram in terms of making reels is so basic but I can get by. I created a thing and I put it out there. 

I received a message from someone I know, deeply thanking me for my posts and how my positivity had really helped them get through a tough time. It was divine timing and exactly what I needed to hear! Great, let’s do more! I felt so happy! This is the impact I am striving for in my work. 

So, I created another video, again, not the most technically on point piece of work but as I was actively turning down the volume on that voice, it didn’t matter…

I don’t use Tik Tok particularly but decided to give it a whirl. I noticed a comment on one of my videos and it wasn’t very kind. In essence it was shaming my lack of technical know how and was making fun of me.

OUCH!!! Cue all the things I have believed about myself feeling so very true and my lack of ability, not good enoughness came screaming back into the fore! I was triggered. 

But, I recognised that I had a choice. I sat with it. I took some deep breaths and calmed my system down and thought about how to handle it.  The choice really reminds me of an amazing quote from Theodore Roosevelt about being brave and ‘Daring Greatly’ which you can read in full here. Its a beautiful quote that to me, teaches us the following truths about life:

If you are living your life in the way that you want, the reality is that you are going to get your a*se kicked from time to time. Your fingers will get burned, your heart will get broken, things will be unfair and no matter how we try and protect ourselves from that reality with perfectionism, worrying or overthinking, it will still happen.

This I know to be true as a sufferer of anxiety throughout my life, I have rehearsed, over worried and catastrophised more times than I have had hot dinners and yet it did nothing to protect me from when life threw me some of my biggest challenges.

Being in the arena, putting my stuff out there on the inter-webs  and living life in a way that feels good and true to me means that I am going to get comments from people on forums like Tik Tok that feel upsetting. I have a choice, I can let it shut me down and stop putting my work out there, or I can work through it. It is not a reflection of me or my work. It is a reflection of the person who chose to comment. 

But it’s not that easy Sarah… Yes I know – I have felt that and sometimes still do feel the same. 

Think about how this might be showing up for you – the comment from the family member or friend that has really hurt your feelings lately, or holding yourself back from doing something because you worry what people might say…

What I do know to be true is that we do not have to stay stuck in our worry, fear, anxiety, stress, anger, or anything else we feel that seems unhelpful.

We can learn to recognise and accept our feelings. And here is what I want to share with you that might be different to what you have heard before.

I do not think we have to ignore the hurt we feel when things like this happen. Quite the opposite.  I do not think you must rise above and ignore it, (although obviously engaging with trolls on the internet is a waste of energy!) but what I am getting at is, let’s learn to acknowledge our feelings and accept them just as they are. How often are we taught – oh just ignore it – has that ever helped or worked for you before?

I felt stung when I read the comment and here is what I did – I wrote back – That my content did not have to be perfect for me to share on the platform.  The comment isn’t even for the person that wrote it to be honest, it’s for me! It felt good to stand up for myself AND I feel no shame in saying here my feelings were hurt, it helps me acknowledge my human-ness and that I can overcome. 

Will it stop me posting? Absolutely not, in fact it’s been a perfectly timed lesson in being in the arena and getting my a**e kicked and that is a normal part of life. I have learned that I can feel my feelings and not let them drag me down into despair,

My nervous system learns to cope with the feelings and next time it will not hurt as much. Because it will happen again and there isn’t much I can do to stop it. 

I can learn to manage my feelings and live my life boldly and bravely. 

If you want the same for you, I can help you. 

I want to show you how to live a life on your terms where you are not floored or stopped in your tracks by the world around you. To be able to make decisions without worrying what Auntie Edna, your mum, your dad, your friend might/will say and feel good about it whilst experiencing completely normal, healthy human emotion.

If this sounds good to you, let’s talk.

Email me: hey@sarahdodsley.com or DM me on my social media accounts.