How I stopped running away from myself

22nd October 2022

Celebrating 3 years sober!

When I first gave up ‘the drink’, I don’t think I could have envisaged this point in time, all I wanted to do was to feel better. I wanted the worst hangover of my life to be over and to never feel that way again. It’s hard to think about never drinking a drop of alcohol ever again, particularly in a society that encourages us to take part in ‘wine o’clock’ and glamourises life with booze with glossy adverts. Not drinking is quite a rebellious choice given that often people can’t understand why you don’t drink and will at times, feel threatened by this as a lifestyle choice. 

I have written about quitting alcohol and the impact after one year, that you can read here but 3 years on is quite a different perspective.

The distance I now have between Sarah who drank and sober Sarah now is huge and worthy of more reflection.

I wasn’t an alcoholic. I never needed a drink at any point but my relationship with alcohol wasn’t healthy. I was definitely a subscriber to the ‘wine o’clock’ crew,  consuming those glasses of wine that just needed to be had after a hard day or on the rare occasion I was out. I say rare because I am really referring to my drinking after having kids as I write here. 

My post kids drinking would generally look like half to a bottle of wine a week, the odd gin and tonic here and there but nothing extravagant. You might wonder why I would give up if that’s all I had, certainly within ‘recommended’ range for a woman. But let me give you some context. I would pour my wine, a large glass of course and I would drink it quickly, I would then agonise over whether I could have another, how much was left in the bottle, was I feeling drunk? The anxiety kicked in quickly and it wasn’t a relaxed experience. 99% of the time, no matter how little I had drunk, I would feel it the next day, my threshold was low and I would feel shattered, grumpy, hungry, agitated – this was even after only 1 drink. If I went out – it was a different story and because it only happened a few times a year it was easier for me to justify, but ‘out out’ Sarah had no off button. I would think I was having the best time and not recognise my limits. I would black out and have no recollection of how I had behaved (and often it was bad!)

The last night I drank (25th October 2019), we were out for dinner with friends, we had a great night, the wine flowed, lovey food, lots of laughs, but I have absolutely no memory of getting home. I woke up fully clothed, in my winter coat, laying on my bed feeling the worst I ever had and that was it. Game over, my drinking days were done. I had decided. 

As I wasn’t an alcoholic, I didn’t have to worry about any physical withdrawals or addiction worries and for that I am so grateful. The challenges are minimal in comparison to people who struggle with alcoholism. The biggest challenges for me initially were worrying what people might think or say to me – I didn’t have the confidence at the start that I now have and I would worry about being asked why I wasn’t drinking. Fortunately it wasn’t ever really an issue and anyone who did ask, I would say that I struggled with anxiety and that alcohol wasn’t good for that. That normally nipped any conversations in the bud. The other challenge was FOMO – fear of missing out. In the earlier days I would look at beautiful goblets of ruby red wine and feel a pang of envy at people sipping away. But, I was able to play the tape forward and no that for me, it wasn’t like that, I would feel awful if I drank it, I would want more that I should, that has always been enough to ensure I have not touched a drop since. 

I have been committed to my cause too, I have a strong resolve and once I make up my mind about something, I am good and sticking with it.

My biggest motivator is my children. I would never want them to see me in a drunken state that would result after a night out. I would often turn nasty after too much wine, creating drama and arguments out of thin air, upsetting the friends or family I was with, feeling so much shame the next day, never remembering anything that happened. I have made a promise to myself that my children will never see that. 

It might make it sound easy and in some respects, once I had decided to stop, really stop, it was. I think the hard part was looking back and wishing I had reached that conclusion sooner. The negotiating I did with myself that I would be able to limit to just one drink on a night out (never happened!) Or that I would never turn into the horrible and nasty drunk I pretty much always became. There was a lot of shame, that has probably been the hardest thing to navigate and still comes up for me now, but I have the tools to work through it. 

So after 3 years, what else have I learned? I have learned that I am actually massively introverted and that alcohol gave me a false sense of self when I was drinking, an armour of fictional confidence that masked so much social anxiety, lack of self belief and self worth. I have learned that being in large groups is not for me and that I used alcohol as dutch courage to be able tolerate the noise of a big night out. Which in turn means I love quiet nights in and feel absolute joy at having nothing to do! JOMO! (Joy of missing out!)

I have learned that I used alcohol to numb out and run away from difficult feelings. I would blot out my emotions with wine and inevitably it would all come spilling out in tears and shouting at the end of the night anyway which led to more and more deep routed avoidance through the shame I felt afterwards.

I have realised just how much I ran away from myself, avoiding difficult feelings, conversations, challenges in life. I don’t think alcohol is responsible for all of that but quitting has helped me to see how unconsciously I was living. Stuck in self sabotaging cycles which always resulted in more shame and low self worth. 

The challenge post quitting is that giving up doesn’t mean that all of that changes by itself. I have had to work on it all. Often out of my comfort zone and facing old demons that I had previously committed to never dealing with. I can say with certainty, that for me, I would not have been able to confront the shame and unhelpful patterns without being sober. I would not have had the emotional resilience to hold the space for myself to actually work through my own stuff.

When you quit drinking, emotions can initially feel like they are heightened, as if they are in technicolour and this is what often stops people from staying sober – because it’s not easy to feel it all. You can’t selectively block out the dark without blocking out the light. I knew my joy was muted when I drank – even though I ‘thought’ I was having so much fun. It wasn’t the truth. 

My emotions are not so heightened anymore, they are not overwhelming because I have worked on accepting them as part of the human experience. That took me a while but it was so worth it, there is a calmness that is a part of me that I don’t feel was really there before – or if it was, was being drowned by wine and anxiety. I made sure I got support for working through my emotions with different coaches and I still do now, it’s an important part of my life and enables my growth. 

Before I quit, I was frightened of my feelings, my past, my mental health and that has completely changed. I now have curiosity about unhelpful beliefs and where they might have come from and I can now explore and make the changes I want to. There is acceptance, awareness and resilience where there was once a blur.

Is my life any less stressful because I don’t drink? No, I still have the same challenges as anyone else, I still doubt myself and worry and feel low from time to time and feel afraid, that is life after all.

But what I have now is clarity, acceptance, patience, self trust, self compassion and a sense of peace in my heart. It is one of the most important moments in my journey to where I am now and in my work too. It means I can hold space for others who are working through their own emotional challenges in a way that enables me to see so clearly.

It is the gift that just keeps on giving and I’m never going back.

If you want to chat to me about my sober journey or my work – my inbox is always open. Feel free to email me: hey@sarahdodsley.com or find me on Facebook or Instagram.