Why you can’t let go…

20th March 2021

It’s been a while since I have written! I have been spending a lot of time in my Facebook group – The Empowered Collective, going live and sharing my coaching tips with my community and today I covered the topic of letting go. I felt compelled to share with you here. 

I recently taught a mini masterclass on the topic of why we find it so hard to deal with our stress and anxiety and to provide some context I will recap here: We are not so keen to dive on in to our deeper minds and hearts because it can feel like too big a challenge and often we are scared of what we might uncover so we ignore it and pretend it’s not happening. This can lead to us ignoring the stress and anxiety that is building up and burying it deep down. Long term – this is not a good plan. 

This can then result in us looking for ways to fix our external problems: we want to control and fix what is outside of us because we do not feel able to tackle what is going in internally. So a good way to discover if its time for some inner reflection is if you find yourself wanting everything outside of you to change first. 

The other problem with ignoring what is going on inside is that we are carrying it ALL the time anyway (in our subconscious, in our bodies) so even though we think we are ignoring it, the subconscious mind is acting in accordance with the limiting/negative belief anyway and we will not be heading in the direction that we really don’t want to. The subconscious mind is in charge for 95% of the day and what we choose not to change – we are ultimately choosing. Trust me.

With me so far? So once we can begin to recognise that we need to do the inner work first then we can start to figure out what it is we need to let go of. 

“Just let it go” How do you feel when someone says that to you? How do you feel when you say that to yourself? 

Angry, frustrated, invisible? Invalidated? Like you are over reacting? 

It’s so unhelpful and keeps us even more deep routed in our feelings because we are either shamed into keeping silent or we become more stubborn in our approach and now we are not budging. The trouble is that all of this hurts us, holds us back and keeps us self sabotaging. But letting go is NOT easy or straight forward and if you have been deeply hurt in the past, why should you? Well the ‘thing’ that you want to let go of is not really the ‘thing’ that you need to let go of. It’s highly likely that it runs so much deeper than that. You will find patterns and that the same things happen to you over and over. 

So how does this show up?

Maybe you are holding on to a conflict or disagreement with someone?

Maybe you are frightened to move forward in your work/your business, you stay and play small.  Maybe this is impacting on your relationships – your love life  or friendships? You are too scared to embark on new ones or let go of old ones. 

Maybe you really want to take a massive leap forward in your life in some way but you hold back – you can’t let go of a belief that you have about yourself – I am not good enough for this, I am not worthy, I don’t know how to be happy. 

There are actually some very good reasons why we don’t let go of what is holding us back. It is not your fault!

So you want to take a step forward, go for that promotion or try a new career path or break through a new barrier in your work or business. Maybe speak out/have a difficult conversation etc and your subconscious tells you that it is not safe to do it. You physically can’t do anything. 

Safety is so important here, we need to feel safe in order to break new ground. 

Think about a young child exploring something new – they often will check that their parent/s are there, they may feel nervous or scared and will not be able to leave their parents side. It’s the same for us. If we don’t feel we are safe in our bodies we won’t budge.

If you feel that lots of things have gone wrong in your life – relationships or work or family – it makes complete sense that we are unable to move forward or ‘let go’ of the fear. Why on earth are you going to want to take a massive leap into the unknown if you feel that things are likely to go wrong for you? 

This could even lead to self sabotaging your efforts when things are going well because you feel certain it’s all going to go wrong at some points anyway. Why not just deal with that yourself and end the endeavour now? Save any long term heart ache. 

Making sense? 

Grab a pen and paper! So, let’s first of all think about this in terms of goals or dreams that we have. How do you feel about putting yourself out there? New job/relationship/promotion/business goal – you can fill in the blank. As you think about the goal you wish to achieve I want you to tune in to what comes up for you? How does it make you feel? What does your inner voice say? “You can’t do that?” “You’re not smart/thin/clever/qualified enough.” 

Make a note of what the voice says? What or maybe who does that remind you of in your life? Is that something you were told when you were younger or how you have always felt? 

When is the earliest time or most memorable time that you can recall feeling like that?

Is there a downside to you being able to let go of what is holding you back? What will it mean for you?

For example – new relationship, if I let go of my past hurt, I will need to put myself out there, maybe go dating and that feels really vulnerable and unnerving. 

If I decide I am going to go for a promotion or expand my business and I let go of my not worthy enough belief – does that mean I will have to work so much harder? 

Can you see how we use the past as protection to hold us back from actually achieving what we want to? A fear of success! 

Can you see yourself without the problem that is holding holding you back?

Be creative and see what you can imagine? If you can’t imagine anything at all then guess what you might feel like. 

Now what about if the ‘thing’ that is holding you back is a conflict or a situation where you are perhaps the victim in some way. You feel unable to let go of the hurt or the pain and you replay the situation over and over. 

We can apply the same thinking – what meaning are you making of the situation?

What are the headlines of this story – I have been treated badly, this is unfair, I can’t get passed this…

What is the belief about yourself that comes up when you think about this conflict? 

For example: I am unloved. I am unworthy. I am invisible. 

Now apply the same questions above to that situation and see what comes up for you. 

The events that play out in our adulthood are often reminders and echoes of our past. Often they are needs that were not met when we were children. If you were not seen and acknowledged as a child, you may feel invisible in later life and this will play out in your friendships/relationships/work etc. 

Now we can hold onto these problems because actually in a strange way, it’s served us to hold on to them. Not consciously but subconsciously. For example, if as a child we were neglected and not seen and felt as if our feelings were not valid, we may continue to hold on to an argument with someone in our life as an adult. We may re-tell the story and want people to agree with us and support us and we get that validation and we fulfil the need that was not met as a child. We are seen in a way that we were not as children. There are many ways this can manifest. 

It’s called a secondary gain – its where we are unable to let go because there is a good reason for the subconscious to hang on to it. It’s not about being manipulative because we are not doing it for a conscious gain but our minds keep us stuck and by bringing that awareness into the light we can start to move forward. 

We hang on to patterns and situations because our inner child can’t let go. 

One step is to recognise where that situation originated from. What was the unmet need? How can you meet that need now in a conscious way? How can you validate your own feelings? This can be a challenge to do on your own. I still work with my own coaches regularly to peel back the layers of my own limiting beliefs and unhelpful patterns (it has truly changed my life) and this is at the heart of my work with my clients.

As part of my 90 day 1:1 coaching programme. I will help you get to the core of your beliefs and heal the wounds that fuel the fire of sabotage and low self worth amongst many other things. In my experience, until we fully heal those wounds, it can be so much harder to move forward in our lives – it’s like we are still dragging around all the baggage. Until we know how to put it down and what to actually do with it, we are going to be pretty tired. 

The reality is, your subconscious is not so helpful and is not always going to offer up to you the truth behind your sabotaging patterns of behaviour and it can take some digging to discover the truth but luckily that is one of things that I can do with you and you will safe and supported while you do it.

I work with people who know they are stuck, don’t know how to move forward yet but are ready for change. Is that you?

I would love to invite you to a call with me to find out how I can help you. Contact me here.