I can’t do it!

26th September 2020

How many times have you caught yourself saying “it’s too hard, I can’t do it!” How many times have you given up on something because you think you are not up to the job and the fear of failure is too great, so you stay in your safe zone? Sound familiar? Do you have perfectionistic tendencies that are holding you back from making the leaps that you need to? Me too! This shows up in every area of our lives, in our work and in our personal lives. Sabotaging our health goals, exercise regimes, we end up losing our shit over the smallest of things, we fail to set boundaries with people who just take, take, take, not being able to say no when are already overcommitted (you get the picture!) I hear you and I am with you!

Why do we do this? Why do we throw the towel in and give up or not even start? The stories we have running on autopilot in our subconscious are trying to keep us safe and stop us from getting hurt so the changes we need to make are way out of our comfort zone and we don’t want to go there. It is not our fault that we feel and act the way we do; it is part of our hard wiring! We can take action though and work through it.

Let’s use the example of needing to set a boundary in a personal relationship but can’t? We don’t set the boundary because we fear rejection and if we assert our own needs then that person may abandon us or think badly of us. We fear being disliked; we fear not fitting in. There are many reasons why these stories are all playing out all the time and holding us back from taking action and the source is mostly an event in our past where we have created a limiting belief that has then played out in our lives ever since. We subconsciously look for evidence to prove our negative beliefs. How often do you find yourself saying ‘this always happens to me’ – that is because you are looking for events that back the belief up. What we focus on expands.

So back to the problem of “I can’t”. When we say that we are acting as a saboteur in our own story and that is just what it is, a story. It is not the truth, it is not the outcome, it is perception and what we need is a re-frame. Now re-frames can be hard because once we get sucked into the rabbit hole of negativity it can take days to realise what has happened and claw our way back out. So, let me help you with my experience recently. I have embarked on a very intense coaching programme that is pushing and challenging me in the most amazing away, but it’s really hard. I found myself really triggered last weekend and the voice of the perfectionist started to show up. It was so subtle to begin with and such an old programme that I have running that it took me quite a while to recognise what was going on. I had been given a task of writing a piece about the specific work I do as a coach, I wanted to get really clear on who I serve and the transformation I offer. Very quickly the ‘I can’t’ programme came online and the excuses started: this isn’t how I work, I don’t know how to write like this, What if I am not good enough? What if its not the best? What if, what if, what if? It really got me down and, in all honesty, made me feel panicked and stressed. Did this mean that I wasn’t good enough? I had to take a step back as I was falling into comparisonitis, judgment and likely to stamp my feet and give up.

I have been reading Gabby Bernstein’s ‘Super Attractor’ lately and she offers a perfect framework for how to move through this type of discomfort in a way that enables real change towards ‘I can.’ Firstly, we must recognise what is going on – what is the story that is coming up for me? What is the fear? I recognised that I have a need to get things just right and a need to create the desired outcome immediately. Noticing that gave me some room to breathe and metaphorically step back. I then recognised that a part of me was scared about being seen and putting myself out there in business. The next step is self-compassion, its ok that I feel this way, that is to be expected, I am learning and developing myself as visible coach and that is going to involve stepping out of my comfort zone, I can take things one step at a time. I am in my own lane and not in competition with anyone else. I created this dialogue in my mind but also wrote it down for accountability.

The last step is to choose again, rather than I can’t do this because I am not good enough, I created a belief that was a step in a positive direction. I can take steps today that will help me move towards my goal, they don’t need to be huge strides, this is a marathon not a sprint. I can ask for some help in my writing and get feedback. I am open to learning new things and all of this work will help me towards my goal.

I took some time away from the task which gave me the space I needed and decided to surrender my desire to make the outcome perfect, I made the decision that I would let this go.

The space I needed began to expand in the days after and by doing this exercise I have created growth in my mindset that will help me next time I meet a hurdle. It creates resilience and the compound effects of healthy mindset habits like this are huge. I have begun to really feel resilient and my ability to handle stressful situations is changing all the time. Onwards and upwards!

How could you bring this into your own life? It’s a step by step, day by day, breath by breath process that will lead to great changes. Where are you saying I can’t when you could be saying I can?

I would love to hear what you think and how this works for you?

If you would like more of this then please check out my other blogs and you can connect with me on FB: Sarah Dodsley Mindset Coach @IamSarahDodsley

Instagram: Learningtobestill_with_sarah

For more coaching tips and advice: I am on a mission to help women leave behind the limiting beliefs that have defined their self-worth for too long. I want to create a movement where women can stop people pleasing, sitting in judgment and release emotional pain. Come on over to my free Facebook group: The Energetic Empowerment Project for more support.

Join here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2731628093786686/?ref=share

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