From triggered to zen (ish!)

10th September 2020

Yesterday I had one of those situations that completely throws you off course when you have been having a good day and everything is going well!

Things have been pretty manic at home the last couple of weeks, we are having major work done on our garden, my daughter has started school for the first time, I have been doing a lot of background work on my coaching business and in all of that (somehow) I have been able to avoid feeling overwhelmed! By using the same techniques I use with my clients, I have been reflective and calm and able to create the space needed to manage everything that has been going on.

Life happens though doesn’t it? Yesterday I had a major test laid at my feet! I won’t get drawn into the details as it’s not really the point so I’ll keep it brief, I parked my car in a way that really upset someone and they were very rude to me about it. Now, a previous version of me would have immediately taken that bait and launched into an angry, huffy, sweaty argument with my perceived aggressor, I would have gone into reptile mode with my blood pressure through the roof and felt nothing but pure rage at having been wronged in such an unpleasant way. I would then have spent the rest of the day playing the situation over in my mind, critiquing my approach and beating myself up for not handling it better! My ego would have gone into overdrive thinking of possible witty, nasty retorts that I could have thrown at the other person to floor them with superiority and so I could walk away laughing. (well in my head anyway!)

But, I didn’t….

Now don’t get me wrong, my blood pressure was certainly raised as aggressive confrontation is not my favourite place to be, even less so with my young children with me, so here is what I did…

I took a deep breath before I responded, I explained that I would move my car as requested and that it wasn’t necessary to be rude to me and that I hadn’t realised I had made a mistake. Now the response I got was ramped up with even more anger, I could feel my emotions rising. I was getting triggered. One of my old stories that I carry from childhood is a deep fear of getting things wrong and looking stupid or silly, I knew this is where I was going and also knew that the tears were about to appear.

More deep breaths, I moved my car and left the situation, I had a good cry (PS – tears are good, they help discharge emotions rather than burying them deep) and spoke to someone about what happened. It was an unpleasant hour or so while I processed the situation but, it didn’t ruin my day, I also knew that for someone to be that angry, they must be having a very bad day (?!) indeed.

Even 6 months ago there is no way I would ever have been able to create that perspective, I would have been caught up in a victim mentality of the unfairness of being treated that way, embarrassed at my own handling of the situation which would have spiralled into a resentful and bitter rant at anyone who may or may not want to listen and added it to the list of bad things that happen to me. I definitely would have gone to bed thinking about it, last night I didn’t.

Things are different now, I know that the only person that approach hurts is me, that recognising that someone treating me in that way is not a reflection of me or my worth and that I am not available for that kind of negative energy anymore. Now I am a work in progress here so I don’t always get this right in every situation and I still get triggered and react but I certainly set that intention and my life is a lot calmer as a result. I am able to reflect, forgive and let go a whole lot quicker than before.

How does this work? The system I use in my own inner work and with my clients is where the magic lies. Essentially its about connecting to the emotions, trauma and beliefs that are coming up. Yesterday for me it was anger, injustice, fear of getting things wrong, fear of looking stupid, upset etc. I was able to recognise that is where I was in the moment.

Transforming those emotions and beliefs takes some work but I have powerful coaching tools to help me out here. I am able to reduce the intensity of emotions in the moment and I have earmarked the childhood fear of ‘getting things wrong and looking stupid’ for a session with one of my own coaches this week. With my clients, I help them get to the route of the negative beliefs and heal the shame/blame/guilt attached to them. Together we clear that negative story and create a positive belief in its place.

Now you might be thinking that sounds impossible, especially if something is so deep routed, but these changes are happening right now with the people I am working with. It is the alchemy of the techniques I use, they go deeper than just talking through a situation because they heal what is going on beneath. These techniques will change your life. Yesterday one of my amazing clients messaged me to say how she noticed that she was slipping into an old way of people pleasing, she recognised it, reframed and transformed the outcome. Boom! This lovely lady has been working with me since May and has changed her narrative and experiences in the most amazing way.

Together we create your own toolkit that you have at your disposal whenever you need it, 24/7 so you can handle things when overwhelm checks in. Working with me will lead to a letting go of shame, blame, guilt and judgment and instead you will create a balanced life with healthy boundaries and the self-worth that you always knew you had the power to have.

If this sounds like something you would like to create then let’s chat. I offer a free 20 minute alignment call to make sure we are a good fit.

Email me at hey@sarahdodsley.com

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