Piecing the puzzle together…

22nd May 2020

I have been a mass of contradictions the last two weeks, so much so that it has taken me that long to write again. I just could not decide which direction to take this time despite lots of ideas floating around my head!

There is so much about our current situation that has been restorative in many ways. I have noticed how much I have slowed down, both physically and mentally, not needing to be anywhere by a particular time has been a tonic. Lovely lazy mornings with too many cups of coffee, exercise before breakfast, not getting dressed until lunch time, long dog walks and enjoying the sunshine in the garden with my family. I feel lucky for what I have. Mentally I have been letting things go that would normally be clicking away in my brain, clocking up a check list that I would score myself against, successfully checking off those tasks and equating their achievement to worthiness, but I have been easier on myself lately. The housework has not been the usual military operation, I have not been as uptight about those niggling jobs. It feels good to let go and I have given myself the permission to just be present more often. I have been practicing mindfulness for longer periods of time and watching less tv in the evenings when the kids are in bed.

Last week I felt amazing, grounded and calm with a sense that I was living wholeheartedly. Cracked it eh? But, then the clever little self-sabotaging part of me creeps in and starts whispering into my ear, what can you feel guilty about? Surely you must be doing something wrong? You have been a bit lazy today, what jobs should you have done? Were you too harsh on the children? Have you eaten well enough? What about that extra piece of chocolate you had… you get the picture! That voice is difficult to quieten once it gets going and it finds the evidence it needs to prove itself right, fuel is added to the fire and it burns bright in my mind.

How is it that I felt fine but then found a way to sabotage my own good work? I love the relaxed way of life but feel guilty for doing less. I have felt great and then sad at the same time. I have been so confused.

I was trying to work out what was going on for me to see if I could extinguish those flames when I had an epiphany! When completing my coaching training 5 years ago I learned about the power and beauty of sub-personality work. We get so stuck in a rigid way of thinking, attached to labels of who we think we are that we forget that we are actually a mosaic of possibilities, we can grow and we can change and we can also be a mass of contradictions. Sub-personality work enables us to tap into and identify those different parts of us that need a voice to be heard. For example, there is the scared part of me, she doesn’t know what the future holds and is looking for some certainty and sense of control. Of course, there is no way of providing that certainty but, what I can do is let that part of me be seen and heard. Validate those feelings and give them some space. I can think about what that part of me may need to hear to feel better and provide some self-assurance. How would I talk to a friend who was feeling that way? I can practice self-compassion and understand that in times of great uncertainty we feel more anxious.

I have had clients name the scared/anxious/frustrated etc. parts of them as their inner child and which has led to a kind and compassionate approach, offering support and care as if they were helping a child. Far more effective in the long run and doesn’t involve metaphorical self-flagellation for experiencing contradictory and difficult feelings.

Take some time to think about the different parts of you and what they may be feeling. You can name them in terms of feelings such as ‘the angry part of me’, ‘the sad part of me,’ or you can actually give them a name!

Once you have identified the different parts of you, think about what they need? Can you give them a voice? What are they asking for? How can you help them in a kind and understanding way? How does this part of you help and hinder you? Would you lose anything if you lost this part of you?

There is much more to sub-personality work and it is powerful in learning to accept the many different aspects of our personalities. By working together with me as your coach we can reach the core of the different parts of you and understand how they may conflict but also how we can support them. I can help you to establish a more harmonious balance in your life.

It’s ok to feel all of those emotions at the same time, in fact it’s completely normal, we often need to give ourselves the permission to feel them and we are already on the pathway to greater balance.

#lifecoaching #coaching #wellbeing #mindfulness # wellness #mindset #positivity #executivecoaching #postivepsychology #eft #emotionalfreedomtechnique #matrixreimprinting