Learning to be still…

19th April 2020

On 23rd March at 8.30pm when our Prime Minister announced our own version of ‘lockdown’ like me and most of the population, I’m sure you felt waves of emotion racing around your body, contemplating our future and what the coming days would look like for us? Maybe you felt a sense of panic about what was about to unfold, uncertainty around work? Maybe you felt relief that there were some boundaries being put in place, guidance on what we could and could not do and how it may impact on the general behaviour around us. I know I initially felt some gratitude, I like having structure and secretly enjoy having some rules to follow! Of course it was very early days and this now seems like a lifetime ago.

There was so much to think about in a relatively short space of time, what would working from home look like? I am a teacher and I also have two children under 5 and my husband is Ambulance crew so this was always going to be interesting! Did I honestly have enough toilet roll for the coming days/weeks? To begin with I felt mildly panicked by the stories about supermarkets and the lack of food on the shelves. The thought of not having enough food overwhelmed me.

One of the biggest things that struck me was the realisation that I was going to have to be with myself, at home, for the foreseeable future… Oh! You see, we are not so good at being with ourselves are we? Why is this so hard? Well for starters there is a wealth of distraction out there for us to numb out to on a regular basis, my drugs of choice are social media, crappy tv and totally random googling for utter rubbish …… feel that dopamine hit right there!

I have even convinced myself that my mindless scrolling on Facebook is ‘me time’, my reward for some hard work! Then, when I have exhausted the delights of Facebook I slide on over to Insta for a look there too and feel that same hook. I am always left feeling empty and unfulfilled after my hit but I still go back for more.

So in truth, we don’t actually have to be with ourselves that often, if we choose not to. We are used to numbing out on food, alcohol, social media (insert your own selection), we can escape from the darker sides, the painful sides…until we have nowhere else we can go.

Our worlds have become temporarily smaller while this pandemic continues, we are in our homes and our focus is not about the day to day goings on of normal life, going to work and the people we normally see – friends and family, our colleagues, neighbours and all the distractions and normality of the wider life that we are used to. Currently we might be contemplating whether we can be bothered to clear out a cupboard or are we going to try PE with Joe tomorrow!

With this shrinking of our world comes a magnification of our emotions. We are anxious and scared, we are overwhelmed, we are angry, we are grieving for our former existence. We miss our family, our connection with others and its hard. Really hard.

Depending on how you were brought up and how you normally manage difficult emotions, you may find that there is some dark and difficult stuff coming up for you right now and that all you want to do is run away from it! (More on that in a later post) Does that sound familiar? Perhaps as a child you were told to be brave, pull yourself together, does that ring true? Well as Carl Jung said “what you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” We stuff down the difficult and painful feelings because we don’t want to feel them, I get it, I do it, we all do, we’re human. There is another way… hence why I am here now, sharing this. It’s not easy but it’s worth it.

One of the reasons for me to hold this space is to share with you some ideas around how to make this easier, ways to ease the pressure on our minds and not shame ourselves anymore for not learning a new language/starting a health regime/losing xx pounds, being productive with this alleged new found time. A space to allow yourself to breathe and be with whatever comes up and I really mean WHATEVER comes up, because, we can do hard things.

This space is not to add to the guilt or shame we already have around our difficult feelings, it’s a space to be, with whatever you have, without judgment. Start with where you are and what you have. I am here for you.

I am going to leave you with a short breathing exercise and some words (taken from Tara Brach’s book Radical Compassion) to help give your emotions some space to be. If you can create a few moments for yourself then great, but if not wherever you are is fine, you do not need to be in a quiet room burning a candle. This is the beauty of mindfulness, it can be anywhere and everywhere if you choose.

Close your eyes and put your hands on your heart. Focus on your breath and count to 6 as you breathe in and 6 as you breathe out. Notice how you feel, don’t try and change it and try not to judge it, just notice it. Whatever comes up for you, say to yourself – can I be with this? Or, can I let it be? Keep breathing and repeat. You may feel distracted, that’s ok, you may feel strong emotion, that’s ok. Whatever you notice, it’s ok. See what happens….let me know. More to follow soon.

#meditation #relaxation #emotions #coaching #personalcoach #wellbeing #health #lifecoach #stress #anxiety